First,
Anxiety attacks are not Panic attacks!
While panic attacks are more severe and last for more minutes, anxiety attacks can last up to an hour but are less intense.
For the past few years, every single person in my network has been to therapy, which had been due to myriad reasons from heartbreaks, trying to overachieve and for some, they do not know the reason at all. Being the happy-go-lucky girl in the gang, I was that therapist-friend whom anyone can ring anytime, share everything from their emotional to sexual frustrations. I must admit that at times I was confidently arrogant to think that I am such a bold and strong woman who cannot be shattered by anything in life — my profession to my relationships. My mental health tests stood at a perfect 10, with remarks of being extremely optimistic, happy, calm and what not!
Those golden days, when every single person I meet and interact ask me, how do I stay up so charged juggling work, studies, managing a non-profit organisation, giving weekly talks at random colleges, events and conferences, organizing events, networking, travelling, creating social media contents and memes… seems like a distant past.
From a person who was always surrounded by a bunch of creative minds, now I have turned into a person whose heart pounds when I see a shadow of another person. From a person who confidently walks into a room and claims the table, now I run into the corridor after spending a few minutes with people to regain my breath. From a person who juggles a lot of activities at a time, I have turned into an absolute mess who cannot even handle her university. From a person who claimed the stage and talked on for hours, I turned into a person whose lips are zipped( I can literally count the number of words I speak in a day). From a person whose loud laughs echoed the room, I turned into that strange lady who cries in the bus station. I have turned into a person who despises intimacy at the same time craves intimacy, a touch, a warm hug, a hand to hold on...
As per my friend, my current situation can be best described as a computer that crashes as too many applications are opened. As my head gets filled with hundreds of thoughts, the only escape mechanism my body finds to cope up with the stress is to SLEEP... SLEEP… and SLEEP.
But the whole intention of this write-up is not to enlighten others about my pain, but to understand and acknowledge the pain I’m inflicting on others.
I understand it is really difficult to cope up with people with mental health issues, especially when they are rude as fuck, when people genuinely try to help them. I consciously hurt people’s emotions, try to hurt their ego, in a vain attempt to keep them away from me, so that I don’t have to deal with them. But of course, my issues are not an excuse to hurt another person. But does this strategy of mine works? Absolutely no, the loneliness spirals me into more of a dark pit. This is not a cry for help, this is a whimper of apology to all the humans I came across in the past few months. Thank you to all those who have still decided to stay with me, even after your unanswered calls and unread messages (which still piles up my inbox). Thank you to all those who put up an effort to handle my anxiety attacks.
It is a nightmare to watch me go through an anxiety attack, may seem like I’m possessed by a grumpy ghost, and I think it is this response of the public to a person who undergoes an anxiety attack that creates more of them in the future.
A series of What Ifs pops in my head; what if I get an anxiety attack while I’m with my colleagues or classmates and ruin their good weekend vibes ( so we tends to shut ourselves in our small room), what if anxiety attacks develop into a seizure, what if you scare people away and they think I’m a mentally unstable person, what if I vomit, what if …
As days progresses these “what ifs” turn you into a more anti-social person.
Not always you can wear that cape and be that superwoman. Sometimes understanding the situation and accepting is more important than fighting back (especially when you are in the situation of not having the privilege to stay long hours in bed or take long hot showers).
Accepting the situation doesn’t mean accepting this unproductive life and living in fear. It simply means to pass the control of your life for this short period to people you trust. Two things I practice these days are:
- Video call a friend before I start on a task and keep it on until it is done. This friend is more like a controller who ensures you don't slip off to sleep or overthinking routine (Thank you for being there).
- You may not find that perfect politically correct friend around you, but hang on, and hang out with people whom you feel safe and build a safety network around you. People may irritate you, but interactions are important so when you come out of this phase, you are still a human being!
Accept, communicate and be kind to yourself.
